I hear voices through the rain
It’s not the wind roaring
They sound like cries of help
From another domain
And I don’t know if I’m
Going insane
Or simply listening
With every cell in my being
I see trails the raindrops
Have left
On my window pane
Like teardrops flowing
On a pretty face
Shed in vain
And I wonder
Has a cloud been carrying
Sadness from miles away
Over skies of grey
Releasing the anger
In a violent hurricane
I wonder
Why do I see all this beauty
But still remember pain?
There’s a hole in my soul
One heartbreak wide, three decades deep
An empty dark room
with mirrors on walls
Where I look around and see
Grotesque reflections of me
There’s a hole in my soul
A cave where Fear goes to hide
Dragging its tentacles inside
Waiting for a trigger
to rear its ugly head
There’s a hole in my soul
A void that can’t be filled
With words or confessions
Or promises one would
Surely fail to keep
Too big for a single person
Too small for a Universe of dreams
There’s a hole in my soul
But never have I ever
In all its hollowness
Felt incomplete
________________
Zeina El-Hoss
Powerful thoughts by my friend, Riham.
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One day, a child changed my life
I’m glad to call him my son
He’s the soul within my soul
A blossoming garden under my sun
He’s a spark of genuis
And complexity, all in one
I have learned more from this
Little boy than anyone
And I’ll do more for this
Special boy than I could have ever done
For he’s the rain to my everlasting drought
He’s given me much more to think about
than could be given to a loving mom
His Mercy encompasses everything
His Mercy embraces those who sin
His Mercy engulfs the world with blessings
To count those where would you begin?
His Mercy is the prickly tears in your eyes
When someone’s pain shakes your humanity
His Mercy is the tenderness in your heart
And the love you grant unconditionally
If His Mercy is ever withdrawn
What would life be?
Would we want to know?
Night falls, I lay my head to sleep
Then the sedating silence is broken
As thoughts begin to creep
Guilt calls, saying “It’s been a while
That we haven’t gone over failures,
Or the memories you had as a child”
Sleep’s gone, and so has the peace
If only our thought patterns had a switch
I’d turn off the anxieties
I’d rest my head on that pillow
And dive into a sea of tranquility
And while this body is weary
I can’t meet its simple needs
Because the heart is roaming freely
And the mind’s agenda impedes
Sleep is a necessity
Only when there’s nothing to miss
When there’s no inspiration to guide you
Through a world of writing bliss
Sometimes I envy the oblivious
Who are not shaken or stirred
Their hearts are void of anguish
Their heads are void of words
That they must unload like baggage
Too heavy to carry around
If only I were just as unaware
If only the world just passed me by
Without a trace, without a sound
Hello, little girl
It’s been a while since we’ve talked
It’s been a while since we’ve walked
Down that old road
I guess we’d both forgotten
What it’s like to have fun
All those dreams never got old
How did we lose touch?
I wish I could have been there
To tell you you were loved so much
To let you know that someone cared
Burdens you carried for long
Tears you never showed
You held them back but now
It’s time to let it go
Cry, cry, little girl
You’re only a child
One day you’ll grow
And those memories will subside
You’ve been your own hero
Written your own fate
But cry, cry, little girl
Growing up can wait
Life is a lot like walking on a tightrope
Spread your arms apart
As if you’re going to fly
Never look back or down
Keep your eyes on the sky
Watch your step, tread with hope
Your heart races at the thrill
Wind in your face, breathe the chill
They said you’d fall
But look at you, you never will
Determination is your wing
Love is the song you yearn to sing
Keep your head high
Though their words could sting
Your dream is waiting on the other side
Gather your strength, it’s a few more steps
Pull yourself together, you don’t need help
Just brush your fears aside
Look up to the sky, don’t slip
Don’t stand on your toe tips
You got to put your foot down
Someday you’ll see who’s worth the ride
Almost there, that’s the end of the rope
Tell me, did you see what you hoped to find?
Have you got your pen and paper ready? Your take-your-own-life device? Wait, you haven’t planned how you were going to do it yet? Ok, never mind. Let’s just write the letter.
Dear —- (that’s gonna be the first loved one to find out you why you did such an major act, so they’ve got to be special)
Explain your terrible state prior to the act. Use words such as tired, fed up, exhausted, worn out, beat up. Don’t be afraid to use exaggerations and hyperboles, afterall you need to make it seem logical. They won’t believe you had been in such a terrible state all along or that you’d actually do it but you have to convince them.
Now start reminding that person of all the amazing things they had done for you and how utterly ungrateful you are for turning your back on them. Tell them you have reached a point where your reasoning has failed you; where you were so depressed and lonely that nothing and no one even mattered. Not your parents, nor your siblings nor your spouse and children, if any. All you could think of was a way out. Even if that way defied your own destiny. You couldn’t fight anymore. You didn’t want to hold on to any more hopes. Nothing and no one gave you hope. You had eyes that could see but you didn’t want to look out for the light. You had hands that could hold but you didn’t want to reach out for help. You wanted to stay where you are. You chose desperation. Yes, you chose it. Desperation didn’t choose you. You decided to curl into fetal position and cry. You shut the world out. You turned your back on life. All you could see where the thorns on the rose, the greyish skies where rainbows hide. You may tell them you’re a failure, not for the many times you failed, but actually for failing to find the will to try within you.
And just before you think I’m judging you for your suicidal thoughts, I just want you to know that I, too, have had them. We all have them. Yes, we’ve all been so low that we could no longer bear life’s afflictions. Everybody is prone to depression, anxiety, mental illness. You’re not a weirdo and you’re certainly not alone in this. The only difference between someone who acts upon these thoughts and someone who refrains from cutting their own rope is how hopeful they remain. The despaired aren’t weak. You aren’t weak for seeking help. You aren’t weak if you cry. You aren’t weak if you’re burnt out, broke, jobless, divorced, betrayed. You are stronger and more free when you understand the wisdom behind your affliction.
I don’t know what would make you want to read a “how to write a suicide letter”. I don’t know why I’m putting myself in this position where I might be misunderstood. But I’m writing this for somebody, anybody who needs to read this, to know they’re so loved and cherished. You need to know you are an indispensible person in someone’s life. You mean the world to somebody and it’s not up to you to decide to leave them. No. Your time has not come and don’t ever think that by taking the nearest exit you’ll rid yourself of heartache. Don’t ever think that by writing a suicide letter you’d justify yourself to your loved ones.
Don’t think that by escaping your brokeness you wouldn’t break someone else’s life.
*To someone I love, someone I don’t even know, hang in there
He made me from soil
He shaped me with His Hands
So I’d remain humble
So I may remember how much He loves me
So I may never lose sight of who I am
Though a sinner at times, I’m mostly human
He gave me a soul
My soul is but a Breath of His soul
So I’d remain elevated
So I may remember how much I love Him
So I may never lose sight of home
Though I know to Whom I belong, I’m mostly human
Image credit: Ireland-based Polish painter Tomasz Alen Kopera
http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/tomasz-alen-kopera-surreal-paintings
Translationista 