341 reasons why…these are not words

These are not words

These are drops of sunshine on my ever-darkened days

These are not words

These are the teardrops I would hide if I could

These are not words

These are the lessons I carried through the years

These are not words

These are the offspring of my dreams

These are the friends that never hurt or turn their backs on you

These are not words

These are prayers I send on paper airplanes to the sky

The signs I receive 

These are not words 

These are 341 reasons why I swing between doubt and belief

These are not words

They are the invisible battles I fight on my own

The white flags I hold up when I lose them all

These are not words

They’re a mirror reflection of my soul

One day she looks beautiful

One day she looks like she just came back from the grave

These are not words

They are an insomniac’s much-needed sleep 

A daydreamer’s chance to break away

These are not words,

These are 341 reasons why I wake up to face another day

These are not words

They’re the feelings I gladly confess

But are often misunderstood

These are not words

These are 341 reasons why I can’t keep my mouth shut when I should

These are not words

They are the anger that’s been bottled up for three decades in my chest

These are not words

These are the problems no one helped me solve, I solved alone

The pep talk no one gave me before a match or a test, but I still won

The love that only exists in my imagination, long begone

Where monsters lie discreetly waiting for the right moment to attack

These are not words

These are 341 reasons why I can’t have some moments back

These are not words

These are the cries for help no one read or heard

These are not words

These are the cuts you don’t see on my skin

These are not words

These are 341 reasons why I’m still alive

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How to write a suicide letter

Have you got your pen and paper ready? Your take-your-own-life device? Wait, you haven’t planned how you were going to do it yet? Ok, never mind. Let’s just write the letter. 

Dear —- (that’s gonna be the first loved one to find out you why you did such an major act, so they’ve got to be special)

Explain your terrible state prior to the act. Use words such as tired, fed up, exhausted, worn out, beat up. Don’t be afraid to use exaggerations and hyperboles, afterall you need to make it seem logical. They won’t believe you had been in such a terrible state all along or that you’d actually do it but you have to convince them. 

Now start reminding that person of all the amazing things they had done for you and how utterly ungrateful you are for turning your back on them. Tell them you have reached a point where your reasoning has failed you; where you were so depressed and lonely that nothing and no one even mattered. Not your parents, nor your siblings nor your spouse and children, if any. All you could think of was a way out. Even if that way defied your own destiny. You couldn’t fight anymore. You didn’t want to hold on to any more hopes. Nothing and no one gave you hope. You had eyes that could see but you didn’t want to look out for the light. You had hands that could hold but you didn’t want to reach out for help. You wanted to stay where you are. You chose desperation. Yes, you chose it. Desperation didn’t choose you. You decided to curl into fetal position and cry. You shut the world out. You turned your back on life. All you could see where the thorns on the rose, the greyish skies where rainbows hide.   You may tell them you’re a failure,  not for the many times you failed, but actually for failing to find the will to try within you. 

And just before you think I’m judging you for your suicidal thoughts, I just want you to know that I, too, have had them. We all have them. Yes, we’ve all been so low that we could no longer bear life’s afflictions. Everybody is prone to depression, anxiety, mental illness. You’re not a weirdo and you’re certainly not alone in this. The only difference between someone who acts upon these thoughts and someone who refrains from cutting their own rope is how hopeful they remain. The despaired aren’t weak. You aren’t weak for seeking help. You aren’t weak if you cry. You aren’t weak if you’re burnt out, broke, jobless, divorced, betrayed. You are stronger and more free when you understand the wisdom behind your affliction. 

I don’t know what would make you want to read a “how to write a suicide letter”. I don’t know why I’m putting myself in this position where I might be misunderstood. But I’m writing this for somebody, anybody who needs to read this, to know they’re so loved and cherished. You need to know you are an indispensible person in someone’s life. You mean the world to somebody and it’s not up to you to decide to leave them. No. Your time has not come and don’t ever think that by taking the nearest exit you’ll rid yourself of heartache. Don’t ever think that by writing a suicide letter you’d justify yourself to your loved ones. 

Don’t think that by escaping your brokeness you wouldn’t break someone else’s life. 
*To someone I love, someone I don’t even know, hang in there

What Depression Feels Like

A heaviness in your chest

A bloodless rupture in your heart

A lump in your throat

It’s like someone’s tearing your soul apart

A weariness in your body

And a loss of precious sleep

A gushing in your eyes 

When there’s no reason to weep

A nostalgic look at the past

An unexplained fear of what’s to be

A detachment from the present

In which you live with melancholy

Anger, worry, sadness, isolation

Alientation, withdrawal, anxiety

You shut the world off in fear

Of being found out suffering

Even the things you loved the most

Your hobbies and pastimes 

No longer give you smiles 

To cope with the hard times 

No drug can lift this cloud off

And bring sunshine to your life

And though your beliefs and faith

Come between you and the knife

You wish things had some meaning

And your purpose would come to aid

But your fatigue is overwhelming

That you can no longer think straight

It almost feels like drowning

With no water around

It almost feels like screaming

But no one hears a sound

Depression is silent, dark and dreary

Depression is a stigma

(Perhaps that’s why no one hears me?)

People talk about the monsters 

Lying under your bed

Or the ogres in your closet

Or the demons in your head

But no one comforts you with reassurance

That “they’ve been there” instead

You’re dull when you’re tired

You’re unbearable when blue

No one likes to see the dark

Side of the moon

But somehow it wears off

With a little help you seek

Because, after all, we’re humans

And humans are made weak

Don’t be ashamed of those feelings

Don’t assume you’re wrong

When you need to unload burdens

You’ve been carrying for too long

There’s always someone to confide in

When you can’t do things on your own
And always, always remember 

No one goes through this alone